I had a conversation with my mom that is quite regular. She was checking in to see if I started to like girls. I reassured her that I still am attracted to men. I asked her to recall my childhood and remember if there was ever an instance where I was interested in girls. She told me to make sure that no man tricks me into doing what I don’t want to do. I told her that the only person trying to trick me right now is her. All of this was in Mandarin of course. A recurring script that I run with my mom and with anyone inquiring about my sexuality is that I have never been romantically attracted to girl figures and have always been attracted to men figures. I will never be attracted to girl figures but I will not rule out the possibility that I will be romantically attracted to the soul in a women figure. I’m sure enough in my sexual identity to identify with queerness and also sapiosexuality. I’m so grateful that my mom is not as bad as other parents with children who do not fit the norm but I can’t give anyone a definite answer because I’m not privileged with being a finite being. This blog entry is also in regards to my date on Wednesday. I’m grateful that I am going on a date with someone I find intellectually attractive and physically attractive, but I’m not ready to be sexually attracted until I’m sure I am soulfully attracted to this man.
I have this wall that is preventing me from sharing as much as I would like. I am aware of what this wall is. This wall is fear of criticism from all the other beings in this shared universe. This fear is derived from my own criticism of other beings. I feel so ashamed that I share this universe with such terrible beings. Beings are terrible in so many ways that I run out of language to describe how terrible people are. The language that I do have describes these terrible people as mean, self-centered, uneducated and elitist. Yet what I find terrible reflects some parts of my own being. I’m going to work on this wall for now, deconstruct it a little at a time, but still be okay if in a while from now I want to maintain the wall. So I will still be often silent which I am alright with because there is power in silence.